[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.com/abclit.htmlshe had used again, pervasive and demanding.It was like a beast in hiding, always there and alwayswatching, forever hungry and never satisfied,waiting you out.You could be aware of it, you could face itdown, and you could pass it by.But you could never be free of it.It followed after you everywhere,staying just out of sight.All it took was one moment of weakness, or despair, or panic, or carelessness,and it would show itself and devour you all over again.That was what had happened last night.Penny had given her the opportunity and the means, a littleencouragement, a friendly face, and she was gone.Penny, with her unkempt red hair, herpiss-on-everyone attitude, and her disdain for everything ordinary and common.Bennettknew Penny; sheunderstood her.They were kindred spirits.At least for the time it took to shoot up and get high, and thenthey were off on their own separate trips, and Bennett was floating in the brightness and peace of thatsafe harbor drugs provided.By this morning, when she was alone again and coming down just enough to appreciate what she haddone, she understood the truth about herself.She would never change.She would never stop using.Maybe she didn't even want to, not down deep where it mattered.She was an addict to the core, andshe would never be anything else.Using was the most important thing in the world to her, and it didn'tmake any difference how many chances she was offered to give itup.It didn't matter that Nest would tryto help her.It didn't matter that she was in a safe place.It didn't even matter that she was going to loseHarper.Or at least it didn't matter enough to make her believe she could do what was needed.What she could manage, she decided,was to leave Harper with Nest.What she could manage was togive her daughter a better chance at life than she'd been given.Maybe something good would come of it.Maybe it would persuade her to find a way at last to kick her habit.Maybe.Maybe not.Either way,Harper would be better off.She had been thinking about it all day.She could stand the bad things that happened to her, but notwhen they spilled over onto Harper.Especially if she was at fault because she was using.She could notbear it; she could not live with it.She was haunted by the possibility.To prevent it from happening, toremove any chance of it, she had to give Harper to Nest.She shivered inside the parka, the wind harsh and biting as it swept over her in sudden gusts, particles offrozen snow stinging her exposed skin and making her eyes water.Cars lumbered by in the haze, and shewished one would stop and offer her a ride, but none did.When she got to the house, she would be ableto get warm for a few minutes before Penny came.Penny would bring drugs and a ride downtown.Shewould catch the ten o'clock bus out and by morning she would be in another state.She regretted that she'd had to steal money from Nest to make the break possible, but that was the leastof the sins she had committed in her addict's life and the one most likely to be forgiven first.Nest was herbig sister, and a good person, and more family to her than Big Momma and the kids, all of whom werelost to her as surely as her childhood,and good riddance.Sometimes, she missed Jared,though.Sheremembered how sweet Nest had been on him.Sweet.She laughedaloud.Where had she picked up thatword? She hoped Jared was all right somewhere.It would be nice to know he was.Big Momma was a different matter.She hoped Big Momma was burning in hell.It took a long time to reach the house.Her face stung and her fingers and toes were numb with cold.Sheextracted the house key, unlocked the door, and got herself inside.She stood in the entry and breathed inthe warmth, waiting for the cold that had settled in her bones to melt.She was coughing, and her chestGenerated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.htmlrattled.She was sick, but she wondered how sick she really was.It had been a long time since she hadbeen to a doctor.Or Harper.Nest would do a better job with things like that.Harper's stuffed teddy was sitting by the Christmas tree, and Bennettstarted to cry.Harper, shewhispered soundlessly.Baby.She called the number Penny had given her.Penny answered and said she'd be right there,and Bennetthung up.Her bag was already packed,so once the call was made there was little to do but wait.Shewalked out into the living room from the kitchen and stood looking into space.After a moment, sheplugged in the tree.The colored lights reflected in the window glass and hall mirror and made her smile.Harper would have a nice Christmas.She glanced down at the present she had made for Harper aragdoll with her name stitched on the apron, a project Nest had found in a magazine and helped her finish.She wished she could be there to see Harper's face when she opened it.Maybe she would call from theroad, just to say Merry Christmas.She closed her eyes and hugged herself, thinking of how much better she would feel once Penny camewith the drugs.She would do just enough to get her through the night and save the rest for later.Shewould buy all she could.It was great stuff, whatever it was, some sort of crystal, really smooth.Shedidn't know how Penny had found anythingso good,but it just took you up and up and up.Penny hadsaid she would give it to her for free, but Bennettdidn't believe her.You gave it for free the first time,which was last night.Today it would cost.Because it was costing Penny.It had to be.The phone rang once, but she left it alone.No one would be calling her.She began to worry that Nestwould miss her and come after her before Penny arrived.She brought her small bag to the front door andstood looking out at the streetlit darkness.Cars came and went, a few, not many, indistinct and hazylumps in the blowing snow.She wondered if it would snow all night.She wondered if the bus would beon time.She wished she had a fix.By the time a car finally pulled into the driveway her anticipation and need were so high she could feelher skin crawl.She peeked out from behind the window curtain, uncertain who it was, torn betweenhiding and charging out.When the driver's door opened and Penny's Little Orphan Annie head appeared,she let out an audible gasp of relief and rushed to the front door to let her in."Ohhh, little girl, you are in some kind of state!" the redhead giggled as she came inside, slamming thedoor on the wind and the cold and throwing off her coat."Let's get you back together again right now!"They shot up right there in the front entry, sitting cross-legged on the wooden floor, passing the fixingsback and forth, heads bent close, whispering encouragement and laughing [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]