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.I thinkabout who I was before my accident and mix just a little bit of the truth into my lie."I don't know howto answer that.I didn't know him very well.I mean, outside of sports and partying, that sort of thing."She nods and takes a deep breath.She s biting the inside of her mouth like she used to dowhen she was a kid.I know that s her "tell" that she s nervous or scared."When he left, he promisedhe'd keep in touch and he never did.Do you have any idea why?" I think I see pain flash quickly in hereyes.Yeah, I do."His" life went to shit pretty immediately and he lived with a constant death wishfor eight years.But he never stopped loving you.Not for a second."I'm sorry.I don't.I don't really know what his home life was like.And the first time he talkedabout you to me was in the hospital and I've told you the extent of what he said," is what I say instead.Fuck.I hate myself for not mustering up the courage to tell her the truth.She nods and is silent for a minute but then she looks up at me and smiles shyly."This mightbe a little bit of an odd thing to say, but, well, if he was going to send anyone, I'm glad it was you.I'vehad a nice time tonight."Why does that hurt? Am I really jealous of myself? I push my fucked up emotions aside andsmile back at her and say, "I'm glad he sent me too.I thought I was doing him a favor, but it looks likehe did me a favor."After our plates are cleared, I reach across the table and take her hands in mine."Can I takeyou out again?"She nods yes and happiness spreads through me.We drive back to Evie s apartment, chatting about the city."Where do you live?" she asks."Downtown, right near the new casino.""Oh! Have you been there?""No.I haven t had time for too many leisure activities.Work has taken up all my time since Imoved here." I smile."Would you want to go sometime?""I d like to see it.But I don t think I d be any good at gambling," she says, smiling."No? Why not?""Not much of a poker face," she says, grinning at me.I chuckle."No, huh?"She shakes her head, still smiling."So, do you miss California?""I miss living near the ocean." Just to sit and look out at that vast body of water made me feellike maybe my problems weren t as huge as I felt like they were.It made me feel& humbled.Thatreminder got me through a couple really bad days."But, no, I like the Midwest.I like the seasons." Ismile.She leans her head back on the headrest and says, "I d love to see the ocean someday."I think back to flying over the ocean for the first time and how badly I wanted Evie to be therewith me."I d love to be the one to show you someday," I say quietly, glancing quickly at her.She just smiles at me, remaining quiet.I guess it s a little too early to start making travelplans.I m already getting better at reading Evie s face, her expressions coming back to me like a songthat I haven t heard in years and yet still know all the words to.She s right; she doesn t have much ofa poker face.I smile.The first time I really noticed her, some nasty little bitch was giving her shit about her mom.Ihad glanced at Evie and the hurt and shame was right there on her face.I had sat there, frozen, unableto stop staring at this beautiful girl, her emotions clear and present in her eyes.It had been so longsince I d seen that type of vulnerability on someone s face.I was mesmerized.If pigs had flown overour dinner table, it wouldn t have surprised me as much as what I saw in Evie s expression.Hadn t shelearned how to hide that shit? Didn t she know what stoic meant? You couldn t give your enemy thattype of ammunition  it was emotional suicide.So why was I so damn impressed? Why did I feel myheart squeeze in my chest? I couldn t figure it out at the time.But I knew there was something about itthat was pure beauty.Like seeing the sun suddenly break through the clouds.I wanted to raise my faceto it and feel its warmth.She had looked over at me and caught me staring and by that point, I think Iwas already half in love, something new blossoming in my heart."Why are you looking at me?" shehad hissed, trying and failing to be tough.I liked that, too.I had studied her for a couple more secondsbefore replying, "Because I like your face." I couldn t contain the small smile that followed  the firstone that d been on my face for a really, really long time.My gentle lion tamer.We drive the last couple of miles in companionable silence, both lost in our own thoughts, theradio playing softly in the background.We pull up a half a block down from her apartment and I turn the car off but don t make amove to get out.Evie s looking at me expectantly, a small smile on her face.When I look at her, myheart lodges in my throat."You are so beautiful when you smile," I say.I missed you so much.I lean over, gently kissing her and leaning my forehead against hers.I realize vaguely that thisis the exact same way we looked into each other s eyes the night we said goodbye.We stare at each other for long minutes.Her eyes widen slightly and I can feel her pulsebeating wildly at my fingertips.Suddenly, her eyes swim with questions, widening slightly.I freeze.And then I see them go dreamy.She s pushing the questions away.I see her do it.That look willforever be etched into my soul.That is the look of my Evie surviving.She doesn t want to know.Emotions are slamming through me; confusion, fear, love.She pulls away from me."What's wrong?" I ask, warily.She exhales."Nothing.This is just all kind of new for me." She smiles at me and somehow, Ifind it in me to smile back.I walk her to her building.That look on her face keeps skating through my mind.I don t wantto say goodnight.I need to do it quickly while I still have the strength to let her walk inside.We get to her apartment door and I kiss her on her soft lips, smiling at her, whisperinggoodnight and heading back to my car.As wonderful as our evening was, I m struggling.I wish toGod I had someone to talk to about this.The person I really want to talk to is Evie, but obviously,that s not an option.The state of my utter aloneness hits me in the gut and I feel something insidetwist tight and break as I pull away from the curb.CHAPTER 11I drive around for a little while, gripping the steering wheel with the effort to drive away from Evie,rather than back to Evie.I feel confused and needy as hell and this has never been a good combinationfor me.Feeling needy makes me feel weak and that makes me feel angry.It s been my lifetimestruggle and I m so fucking sick of always coming back to this place [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]