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.We need to be willing to see and accept our feelings for whatthey are.If we re angry, we re angry.If we re sad, we re sad.Andif we re happy, we re happy.Our experience is neither right norwrong it simply is.When we don t accept what we re feeling, wecan t engage with it or do anything about it.Our feelings aren t ableto flow, and we end up stuck.As psychologist and York Universityprofessor Leslie Greenberg explains, we have to be willing to firstlet our feelings  arrive before we can go anywhere else.2Feelings are a little bit like the weather.We have no choiceabout what it s going to be like outside, and we can t change it.Wecan t will the sun to shine or the rain to fall or the snow to stop.But if we re patient and wait long enough, the weather will change(especially here in Minnesota, where the weather can change ona dime!).If we fight it, if we agonize about the cold or complainabout the rain, we just makes things worse.When we can acceptthe weather for what it is, we can deal with it and move on.Thesame can be said about our feelings.We don t choose our feelings,and fighting them won t make them go away.We don t have to114 Living Like You Mean Itlike them, but if we can accept our feelings for what they are andallow them to have some space, we can then begin to feel our waythrough to a different and better place.Although the tendency to criticize or judge our feelings mayseem formidable, acceptance can be a powerful antidote.It canfree us from the chatter of our thoughts and allow us to makecontact with our authentic self.Although this may seem a caseof  easier said than done, allowing ourselves to get curious andbefriend and accept our feelings opens up the natural flow of ouremotions and enables the process of change to begin.We justneed to be willing and motivated to give it a try.Here are some suggestions to help you stay open to your emo-tional experience and be more accepting of your feelings.Practicing Acceptance" If you notice yourself trying to avoid your feelings or feelingconflicted about them, give yourself permission to see themsimply for what they are." Remind yourself to put judgment or questioning aside andinstead to practice getting curious about your feelings." If you find yourself feeling conflicted about your feelings,remind yourself that emotions are neither right nor wrong;they just are.Then take a look and see what s there." Notice if there s any resistance in your body; if there is,breathe into it, allowing the energy to open up and flow.Gently encourage yourself to stay open.GETTING IN TOUCHBrian admitted that he felt conflicted about his anger toward hismother, but could also see how denying his feelings wasn t get-ting him anywhere.In fact, it was just making things worse.Hefelt anxious and stuck.Brian recognized that he needed to trysomething different. I know it feels scary to you, I said,  but I wonder if, for amoment, you d be willing to give yourself permission to feel yourFeeling It Through 115feelings, to honor whatever is there for you.That s really the onlyway you re going to get to the other side of this.Would you bewilling to do that?He thought about it for a moment, shrugged, and then said, Well, I suppose it can t be worse than what I have been feeling. Actually, I m convinced you ll be much better off, I said. You just need to give it a try.Are you willing to take a look at thisanger of yours? Yeah, he replied,  but.I m not sure how to do that. Let me give you a hand, I said. First, why don t you trysitting up.It ll help you be more in touch with what s happen-ing inside you. Brian placed his feet flat on the floor, shiftedin his chair as he sat up straight, then looked at me for what todo next. Now let yourself recall the conversation you had withyour mother.Picture yourself on the phone with her.Hear hervoice and the comment she made. He sat very still for a moment,focusing inward, his face intent and serious.Then his bottom lipbegan to curl inward.The interaction with his mother was comingback to him along with his anger. As you get in touch with your feelings, what do you noticeinside you? I asked.He looked up at me, eyes narrowed, and said,  I m feelingkind of irritated. I can see that.Let s give that some room.Can you describefor me what that feels like?He thought about it for a moment and then said,  I don tknow.This was new territory for Brian, so I said to him,  Tune in toyour body and just describe what you notice going on inside you.He listened for a bit and then said,  Um, I feel sort of tense. Where exactly in your body are you feeling that? In my chest. Okay.Now concentrate on that place.Don t try to make any-thing happen.Just notice that tension and let s see what comes.Brian looked down, focusing on his body.He moved his shoul-ders back and forth, then looked up at me and said,  It starts toopen up a bit.By focusing on his experience, Brian was making room insidehimself for his feelings, and the energy of his anger was beginning116 Living Like You Mean Itto move.Just then, the color in Brian s face changed. What elsedo you notice? I asked. I m feeling warm.My skin feels hot.Sounds like anger to me, I thought to myself and then said,  Letyourself be with that. I waited and then asked,  What else is there?He rested his forehead on the tip of one hand, sat for amoment, and then shook his head. Now I m starting to thinkabout it.I m going off into my thoughts. Through our work,Brian was becoming better at recognizing when he started to thinkabout things and lose contact with his feelings. Just let the thoughts fall away.Don t give them any power.Focus back on the physical sensations and see where they go.Whatelse do you notice?Brian focused inward again.After a moment his eyebrowslifted and he looked startled. Wow.I feel all this energy insideme, rising up.That s strange.PAYING ATTENTIONNot strange at all, actually.Brian s experience is a great exampleof what can happen when we pay attention to our felt experience.It opens up.As we learned in Chapter Three, emotions are felt in the body.If we didn t have a body, we wouldn t have feelings there d be noplace to feel them.Focusing on physical sensations helps us con-nect with our feelings.As Brian listens to what s going on insidehim, as he pays attention to his physical experience, his angerbecomes more palpable and able to move [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]