[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.I put the book down.“What the hell is this?” I scoffed.“The Bible.” He answered imperviously.“I know it’s a Bible.Why are you giving it to me?”“Well … you said it was dark, right? Last night, when you were trying to sleep?”“Yes.” He had no idea how dark.“So?”“Maybe this will help.” Riley shrugged.“How? Does it come with a nightlight?” I smirked and lit a cigarette, blowing the smoke up over his head.“No.” He shook his head at my joke.“But it’s been a great source of comfort for me.Maybe it will help you, too.”I raised my eyebrows.It was always staggering how much Riley had changed.It never ceased to shock me.But he really did seem … peaceful.Content, almost.I crossed my arms thoughtfully and sat back in my chair.“How does it comfort you?”“Well … it’s just … it’s God, right? He’s what was missing in my life … and he’s what’s missing in yours.”“Okay ….” I chuckled wryly.“If you say so.”“Mackenzie, just bear with me here.Why do you think you got addicted to drugs in the first place?”I shrugged.“I don’t know … ‘cause they’re awesome? ‘ Cause they made me feel really, really good … and when I did them … I don’t know … everything was okay.”“But you were just medicating yourself … don’t you see? You’re covering up what’s really missing inside of you, all the emptiness inside.Everyone is born with this … this God shaped hole inside them.And we rush around, trying to fill that hole with anything we can, anything that satisfies us, however temporarily.But God is the only thing that will fit there, that will fit and stay and truly satisfy you—like nothing you’ve ever known before.His peace … it passes all understanding.”“So … drug addicts are really just searching for God?”“Not just drug addicts, everyone.The good people that go about their good lives without harming anyone and only trying to do what’s right … even they have a hunger inside of them for God.But they don’t know it.They worship music instead, or video games, or sports—movies, money, clothes, people … cooking, even.Whatever they choose to live their life for.But every single one of us, no matter how good or bad, is in desperate need of God.”I smirked again as a thought occurred to me.“Even Marcy?”“Especially Marcy.” Riley smiled at me.He pushed the Bible across the table.“Just, try reading it.See if anything speaks to you.It’s amazing you know, once you discover him.You won’t understand how you’ve been able to live without him for so long.”I put my hand on the soft leather cover and looked up at Riley.I didn’t know if God was real or not, but if he was, he’d probably want nothing to do with me.Not when I was so horrible, not when I was such a miserable mess.Not after I’d pushed my boyfriend, the love of my life, to kill himself in an attempt to save me.I was selfish and brutal and … wrong.It felt like every part of me was wrong.But I had decided to try ….“You’re going to be okay, Mackenzie.” Riley placed his warm hand on top of mine.“I really believe that, you know.”I stared down at our hands for a moment.He stroked mine delicately with his thumb, and for some reason, it made me uncomfortable.His dark eyes gazed down at me with such tenderness, such affection … it was unsettling.Undeserved.As causally as I could, I moved my hand from his and tried to change the subject.“So, what’s Emily think of you being here?” I wondered.“Oh, she understands.” He answered flippantly.“She hopes you get better.”“She does? Where is she, at your mom’s?”“No, she’s back at school.The semester started last week.”“Wait, your semester started already?” I blinked in surprise.“So what are you still doing here?”Riley scoffed.“What, you think I’d just put you in here and then go back to school like nothing ever happened? Give me a little credit.”“You’re missing your school?” I frowned.For some reason, this upset me.“Don’t wreck your life for me Riley, I’m not worth it.”“I’m not wrecking my life.Man, you’re dramatic.” He laughed.“I can just pick up where I left off next semester.No big deal.”“Yeah, but, you’ve worked so hard, and you really like it, I can tell—”“Mackenzie, just stop.” Riley shook his head at me.“All that matters to me right now is that you get better.I’m not going anywhere, okay? So just drop it.”I stared at him a moment.“Fine.” I wouldn’t ever admit it to him, but the selfish part of me was nearly drunk with relief that he had chosen to stay.For me.I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him again, without the subconscious comfort of knowing he was so close, only a phone call away.How quickly I had come to rely on him.I needed him now, even more than I had before.We just looked at each other for a moment.I stared into his deep, dark eyes as he gazed at me.I wanted to thank him for everything—for putting up with me, for trying to help me—but the words wouldn’t reach my lips.The air felt tense, heavy.“I guess I should be going.” Riley decided suddenly, ripping his eyes from mine and looking up at the clock, breaking the spell.I cleared my throat.What the hell was that? “Well … I think we were fairly successful today.” I offered casually.“Oh yeah?” He chuckled.“Are you cured?”“Uh … not yet ….” For an instant, the picture of a needle flashed into my mind, and with it, the intense craving for heroin knotted my stomach with need.I breathed through it, trying to shake the image from my head.“I mean, this visit didn’t end in a fight.That’s a pretty big deal, don’t you think? For us?”Riley stared at me a moment, his lips curled in amusement.“Yeah, I guess it is.”“So you’ll come back tomorrow, right?”“I’ll be here every day.” He promised.CHAPTER 65The days and weeks passed, as they often do.I had bad days and good days—mostly bad, with a few good sprinkled in.The fact that I could have any good days at all was amazing to me.But they came.I don’t know what brought them about, but I’d wake up in the morning after a fitful, tenuous sleep, and I’d feel some hope.Some strength.Like I could get through it all.Like I was going to make it.And then came the bad days.Those days I didn’t even want to get out of bed [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]