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. Themane may be gone, but you re still my noble lion.It almost worked, Victor calling on Jace s good heart, but the T-shirt ruined it all.Not that itwasn t nice.Above the word  England was a lion, rearing up on its hind legs, but he knew Victorhadn t paid for this.He pictured Star helping Victor pick it out, her knowing that it wouldn t beenough, that no gift would be sufficient to make up for five weeks of absence, and that this one wasespecially lacking.Jace wanted to tear it to shreds, to set it ablaze so he would never have to see itagain.Instead he handed it back. You don t like it? Victor asked.His expression was so pathetic that it almost broke Jace s heart, but that was impossible,because his heart had slowly been breaking all this time.Jace just hadn t realized it until now.Heimagined Star and Victor gallivanting around Europe together, seeing sights he could only imagine.The idea of going out of state for college had made Jace so excited, but what was Sacramentocompared to Paris? Houston compared to London? And of course they would have shared a room,and probably a bed, but he couldn t bring himself to ask about that, because he was pretty damn sureit didn t matter anymore.Star was right.They were both fools.Jace wasn t even angry at her anymore because he couldimagine doing the same.Hadn t he wanted to, when asking Victor to move away with him? And poorStar probably thought their European tour would make all the difference, that Victor would forgetabout Jace and finally love her and only her.But here Victor was, right back at Jace s doorstep again.She would never change him.He saw now that no one could. Jace. Victor stepped close to him, enough that he could smell the gel in his hair, see the flecksof gold in his one brown eye.And when Victor moved in for a kiss, Jace meant to stop him, but hegave in, kissing Victor with passion, because part of him was relieved Victor was okay, was happy tosee him.Jace breathed in his scent as deep as he could, knowing he wouldn t have another chance.Then Jace pulled away. That was the last time, he said.Those mismatched eyes searched his, but this time they remained confused. What? You re my friend, Jace said. I know you don t like titles, but that s what you are.Nothingmore, nothing less. I m sorry, Victor said. She said it was going to be for a week.I didn t know how long wewere staying until we were over there.I should have called. Or written a letter or even a fucking postcard! Jace snarled, but he forced himself to take adeep breath.It wouldn t have made a difference even if Victor had told him in person before leaving.Jace still would have thought about Star s desperate ploy, and of Victor seeing the world, all whilehe sat miserable and alone in Warrensburg, Missouri.And Victor was right about a lot of things.There was no sense in being angry at someone you couldn t change, so Jace did his best to set asidethese emotions.Steeling himself, he said,  You re my friend, and I want to see you again.I mean that, but today Ican t stand the sight of you. He turned around to face the door, opened it, and paused. Go see yourmother.She s probably worried sick. I love you, Victor blurted out.Jace looked over his shoulder, forced himself to smile. I know. Then he turned and wentinside the house.Once he was back in his room, he opened the nightstand drawer and took out threeenvelopes.Sacramento, Albuquerque, Houston.Anywhere but here.* * * * *Jace felt good.Past the tears, the heartache, and the second-guessing, there was summer.Literally and figuratively.By the end of May, he had made his peace with being only Victor s friend.The first couple of times they hung out together were tense, conversation stilted, and when it did flowsmoother, hidden insults seemed to be behind everything they said to each other.Eventually, the icebetween them thawed.At times Jace even forgot about what they had and what they could have been.Those were the best days, carefree and full of laughter, but often they would end with Victor growingsolemn.Or worse, Victor would look hopeful.In June, Bernard offered Jace full-time work, which was appreciated since Jace wanted to bulkup his savings before beginning his new life at the University of Houston.He accepted the job on onecondition: Jace wanted to be assistant manager.Mostly he just wanted the job description so it wouldlook good on his resume, but he also did it to piss Dan off.Jace didn t really expect the authority thatwould come with being assistant manager, but Bernard took him under his wing, teaching him how hisbusiness was run.In July, Victor moved in.Sort of.He returned to the campsite not far from Jace s house.He had stayed there occasionallywhen the weather was warm, but now he made it his permanent home.Every time Jace sought Victor,he would find him there.His progressively dirtier clothes tipped Jace off that Victor wasn t goinghome anymore.He looked like he was losing weight too, and he didn t have much to spare. How long do you plan on staying here? Jace asked him one weekend night.Victor stared at him from across the fire before answering. Five weeks.Penance.Or an apology.Jace was moved, but at the same time, it made more work for him.Hebrought Victor food, usually leftovers from family meals.When Jace s mother learned what he wasdoing, she started cooking larger portions to ensure there was more than they could finish.Jace didVictor s laundry a few times, despite his protests, and asked Greg to help teach Victor to fish, forage,or anything else that would keep him going.As touching as Victor s self-imposed exile was, Jace sometimes wished he would go home.Hebegan to fantasize about a boyfriend who took care of himself, worked a steady job, had a phonenumber and a favorite television show.He couldn t picture Victor like that.Victor as a contributingmember of society wouldn t be much like Victor at all.Sometimes Jace imagined this discontent must be mutual, that Victor wished Jace would chillout, not be so hung up on things like commitment, monogamy, and responsibility.Victor probably feltequally frustrated at falling in love with someone who was so wrong for him.Or maybe, like Jace inhis moments of weakness, he thought about how their differences meant they had so much more tooffer each other.In late August, Jace threw a going-away party.He invited Greg and Angie who were stillgoing strong, Michelle and her latest disposable boyfriend, and Bernard and his wife a woman whoalways seemed to be cackling, especially when she was telling dirty jokes.Even Dan was invited, butmostly just to annoy him.He didn t come, of course.Victor didn t either, not that Jace really expectedhim to.Still, Jace kept listening for the doorbell, and even though he had a good time, the eveningdidn t feel complete without him there.After everyone had gone home, Jace walked down into the valley.The night was blistering hot,making him want to strip off his clothes and jump into the lake, so he wasn t surprised to find Victorsitting on the dock, drying off after a swim.All he wore was a pair of cut-off jean shorts, but thisdidn t unnerve Jace like it normally would.He didn t need to be strong.Not tonight. I m leaving tomorrow, Jace said. This is my last night here.Victor nodded. I know. Come home with me.Victor looked up at him, his hair shaggier than Jace had ever seen it.His own was still keptshort.This lion had been tamed.No more running through the jungle. Please.Victor offered his hand, and Jace helped him stand, but he didn t let go.After Victor slipped onhis sandals, they walked together through the dark, Jace remembering a colder evening the year beforewhen they had leapt and danced around the fire [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]